In the end, nobody cares when you are hurting. It´s been a week since Julia left us and I am currently at the office trying so hard to hold back my tears. I hate that these waves hit me at random times. I hate to be so affected by this. I hate that she left me. I hate all the cold-hearted people that I work with and that have previously received my help but won´t loot at me twice when I´m on the ground. Only my true friends would understand. I have lost my truest and best friend.
It fucking hurts. so much.
For my Julia
I am currently going into states of numbness and heart-wrenching pain as I write this. I never thought I would come to the moment I’d have to type a remembrance for my best friend, my Juju. I am sure all the people sitting here tonight are feeling their own pain towards this tragedy; because Julia was that special and she has left her mark in all of us.
I attempted to go through some of the e-mails you have sent me lately, all our pictures, all our memories… I can’t do it yet. Hopefully one day, I can revise everything without getting a blurry vision from all the tears. Also, hopefully one day I will be able to say my proper goodbyes the way you would’ve wanted me to. I am making all these mental notes of all the plans we left undone –which are many- and that I will do them for us. Although I couldn’t make it to your funeral, I do not feel so bad because I know that you wouldn’t have minded and I just imagine you asking me to take a bike ride to the beach and get belligerent Juju-Rox-style, look at the stars, laugh our heads off, and discuss the transcendentalism of life and death. Or something like that. We would go over our favorite subjects; the universe, energy, Dr. Who, kittens, stuff that I can’t mention here HAH, and you would tell me the difference between where you were and where you are now. I would probably then angrily ask you, “why did you leave me?” and you would look down and then look at me and say “sorry daddy, I love you.”
We are both huge mother gooses; we cannot help ourselves but to take care of others. In the past few years, I took care of you more so than you did of me –or rather that is what you thought anyways. I don’t know if you ever realized how much I grew up during all those nights and days I spent with you. Despite all the bad things that continually happened to you in your body and with your family, you had this super human strength to brush it off and concentrate in the things that made you happy. I would often be afraid on taking chances, however you would push me to my limits and tell me to not be afraid; life was short. So I did, I left Chicago and started working at the Central Bank of Mexico, I was so afraid yet you were so proud of me and always kept on telling me that I deserved it. I do not understand why this things happen, I do not understand why you had to get sick, why you had to have dick parents, why you have to undergo so much pain and suffering so young and for so many years. Most likely I will never get the answers to such unfair questions, and that’s OK.
In the end, all that matters is that we were friends and you have taught me some of the most important life lessons I could ever learn. Your body may be gone, but are souls are very much connected. Love never dies, it only transforms; and my love for my best friend is very much alive. Yes, I miss you and I’m hurting so much. Yet I know you well enough that if you were standing before me, you would make one of those sad puppy faces and say “I’m sorry Rox, it was never my intention to make you cry.” I know it wasn’t Juju, but the fact is I need you in my life, always. Light my path when I get lost, give me some of your strength, when I mess up help me find a way to get back up, never leave me.
I love you so much, but you knew this already. I know you love me too.
Meowmeowcat,
Your Rox.
